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pooge
Just gimme time, folks...
 
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Pooge the Ex-Smoker and Recovering Nicotine Addict
It's getting close to the two month mark now.  I get tempted to buy a pack almost every time I'm at a store where cigarettes are sold, but I don't.  Every time I see someone light up I think of asking them for a smoke, but I don't.  When I get angry or upset, I find myself wanting to just throw in the towel and resort to my old nicotine crutch, but I don't.   I've reached a point where cigarettes are no longer the first thing that I think of when I wake up in the morning.  I've finally stopped reaching for my pack when I've finished a meal.  I can take breaks from my daily activities without feeling the need to smoke to relax.

Initially, not smoking was so difficult that I found myself sleeping through most of the day -- in part because I actually had lower energy as my body adjusted to functioning without nicotine and worked on repairing itself from all the damage 20 years of smoking had done. But partially just to keep myself from smoking and as a means of escape for the emotional pain of withdrawal.  But now I'm able to stay awake during the day.  Sometimes I even surprise myself with the amount of time I go without even thinking of cigarettes.
 
Smoking was once a huge part of my identity.  I smoked 3 packs a day at one point, and at least a pack to a pack and a half throughout the remaining portion of my 20 years as an active smoker, so it was hard not to consider it part of my identity.  The very first blog I ever had even holds reference to my smoking.  (Smoke Rings in the Dark:  a look at life through a cloud of cigarette smoke)  I considered myself a smoker as much as I considered myself a female, a lesbian, a Michigander, a student, a janitor... etc.  So now what am I?  Am I a non-smoker or an ex-smoker?  I prefer thinking of myself as an ex-smoker.  Considering myself a non-smoker would be taking from me the pride in the struggle that I've gone through to quit.  Alternatively, I also consider myself a recovering nicotine addict.  And like drug addicts and alcoholics, I will always be an addict.  But with enough determination, I can also stay a recovering addict... and an ex-smoker.
No ticks - wind me up
 
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Well, I'm pleased to say that my cravings to smoke subsided greatly after I got over my PMS lol.  So... does that mean I can expect to experience such cravings every month?  We'll see...

What else is new with me?  Nothing... Michigan decided it wanted to bring winter to us a bit early.  But it's slowly warming up a little day by day... getting more like fall weather again.  But... winter's just around the corner, anyway.  But we still get Halloween before we enter that dreaded Holiday season.

I've been contemplating dressing up this year.  It's been awhile since I've dressed up for Halloween.  It could be fun.  But what should I be?  Something scary?  Something funny?  Something trendy?  Something thought provoking?  Something that I've always wanted to be?  I'll have to think about it for awhile.  I've still got a couple of weeks.
No ticks - wind me up
 
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Two and a half weeks...
I've been without a smoke for two and a half weeks now, but to be honest with you... all I wanna do now is smoke.  It's supposed to get easier as time goes on, right?  Well... I suppose in some sense it's getting easier.  I've learned that I can live with out cigarettes as a crutch.  I've learned to do other things with my hands and my mouth.  And I've learned what it feels like to breath again.  BUT... I smoked for 20 years, and after that long, it's hard not to miss it.  And while I've been struggling for the past two and a half weeks to not give in and smoke, I'm getting tired of fighting.  I feel like I need a break.  Will this struggle ever end?  Or atleast subside for long enough for me to get a repose?  I will hold out a bit longer and see.  I must be strong.  Must not give in.  I want to smoke... but I don't want to want to smoke.
 
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Instead of Smoking
  • cinnamon sticks
  • baby carrots
  • sugar-free gum
  • brush teeth
  • drink water
  • exercise
  • relaxation techniques
  • breathing
  • keep my mind and hands busy
No ticks - wind me up
 
It Is

August 2016
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